She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
