Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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