i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize