am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
