haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize