yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
