She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i drank out of a bidet.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So vagazzling was a success
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
