I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
not ubering you a puppy
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