dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
