Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Randomize
