I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
