i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize