i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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