im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
