If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
