just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
