i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
