Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
