We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
