I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
