I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Randomize
