I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Houston, we have a squirter
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
