Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize