It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
