Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The air was thick with penises
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I can't turn off my feet"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
