My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
