i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The adults are the big ones right?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize