Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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