Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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