Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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