As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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