well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
