You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
