Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
