He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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