I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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