My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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