I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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