I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
