We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
