There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
