So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
