I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
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