Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
