don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
