Your mouth is God's brothel.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
