Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
