There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
