Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
