Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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