Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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