I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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