He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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