She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
