I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
