Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
i think my cat just said my name.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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